


How Mary Sue Saved The World

by bakedbreadfortwo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dark Lords live in Dark Caves, F/M, Gen, Harry isn't BWL, Mary Sue, Parody, Random Death Eaters get killed, Transfer Student from America, Voldemort is an idiot, plot holes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 04:45:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3277220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakedbreadfortwo/pseuds/bakedbreadfortwo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow the grand adventures of Raven Hepatitis Diamond Esperanza Malfoy-Riddle-Potter-Weasley-Zabini-Flitwick-Snape de Angelo, as she saves the Wizarding World and finds true love!</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Mary Sue Saved The World

**Author's Note:**

> I'm uploading this story from my Fanfiction account, hope you enjoy it!

It was just another winter morning at Hogwarts. Birds were chirping, the sun was shining brightly - even though it was supposed to be winter - and the students were having breakfast in the Great Hall. However, this peaceful sight was about to be ruined.

Albus Too-Many-Bloody-Names Dumbledore stood up and Eye-Twinkled™ to get everyone's attention, for he had an important announcement to make. All the young wizards and witches immediately quieted down, because you don't mess with someone who kills Dark Lords for fun.

"Students, I must inform you that we have accepted a transfer student from America for no apparent reason! She is, surprise surprise, 17 years old and will be sorted into Gryffindo- ahem, one of the four houses. I expect you to be friendly and helpful!" Dumbledore announced.

Just when the Headmaster finished his speech, the double doors were magically flung open, and a girl walked in. All the boys' jaws hit the floor, some even passed out from the sheer beauty that was shining from her, while the girls were staring at her jealously. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were drooling.

Her long shiny ebony hair complemented her deep green-black-yellow-red-orange-purple eyes perfectly. She was wearing practically non-existent clothes that didn't cover anything. The mysterious student had a curvy figure, blood-red lips, and her skin was naturally tan. All in all, she was beautiful. Her name was... Raven Hepatitis Diamond Esperanza Malfoy-Riddle-Potter-Weasley-Zabini-Flitwick-Snape de Angelo, but everyone called her Bob.

Professor McGonagall was holding the Sorting Hat. Bob walked up to the stool and put the hat on her head. It didn't hesitate for even a second before calling out 'Gryffindor', even though she was very ambitious, loyal and intelligent. The hat knew that Bob's destiny was in Gryffindor.

The Gryffindor table clapped and cheered as Bob walked towards them. She sat down next to Harry.

"Hi," she greeted him. That single word conveyed all her wiseness, wittiness, and intelligence. The Gryffindors were mesmerized by her.

Suddenly, plot devic- I mean, Voldemort flew into the Great Hall!

"She is the Girl-Who-Lived!" he yelled, pointing at Bob.

Bob whipped out her wand and used a strange spell on Voldemort. The spell made him fly away. Convenient.

Dumbledore gasped, because he realised he had made a terrible mistake. Despite all the evidence that said otherwise, Bob was the Chosen One! Who could have guessed!?

* * *

 

A month had passed since Bob first came to Hogwarts. Everyone loved her, even the Slytherins. She was every teacher's favorite student. Harry and Draco were constantly fighting for her attention, and the first years worshipped her. Of course, she was incredibly modest, and thought that she didn't deserve the attention.

That didn't stop her from being an attention whore, though.

"Hi, Bob! How were your classes?" inquired Hermione. She had a makeover some time during summer, and now she was exceptionally attractive.

"Too easy, and the worshiping distracts me," she modestly answered.

All of a sudden, Harry jumped through a window.

"Bob, please marry me!" he pleaded.

Bob blushed, which made her even more beautiful. Harry swooned and fainted. At the exact moment, Draco swooped in.

"Will you be my wife?" the Slytherin asked.

She smiled, and Draco fainted.

That's not healthy.

Leaving two unconscious boys lying there, Bob and Hermione went towards the Potions classroom. They were late, but who cared? As I said, they were beautiful.

* * *

 

In the meantime, Voldemort and his followers were in a dark cave. They were plotting. Because that's what evil people do. What were they plotting, you ask? Well, Raven Hepatitis Diamond Esperanza Malfoy-Riddle-Potter-Weasley-Zabini-Flitwick-Snape de Angelo's demise, of course. Weren't expecting that, were you?

Anyway, the Dark Lord was furious. All of his plans had failed, because Bob's love for... something, was undefeatable. Also, her beauty was the perfect defence. Nobody knew how that worked.

"My Lord, what should we do?" wailed a generic Death Eater, who was immediately killed.

Voldemort laughed evilly. "I have the perfect plan. We will break into Hogwarts by unspecified means and kidnap Bob! Which no one has thought of doing. What am I paying you for?"

* * *

 

The beautiful girl was walking through a corridor for no reason, when Dumbledore fell through a plot hole in the roof.

"Bob, you must run away, Voldemort and his Death Eaters are searching for you!" the Headmaster informed her gravely.

"No! I must defeat Voldemort once and for all!" she shouted courageously.

"Okay, but you must be careful. You are our only hope!" Dumbledore agreed rather easily, and ate a lemon drop while giving her a grandfatherly smile.

* * *

 

Bob ran into the Great Hall. She wasn't surprised to find Voldemort there. The Dark Lord was glaring at her. He would have happily killed the girl right there, but, because of reasons, he couldn't. He probably needed her for some kind of ritual, or maybe just wanted to turn her evil. Who knew.

"Bob, you must die! I'm just clarifying," he informed Bob.

Bob didn't waste any time and attacked him. She used her wand, jutsu, ki, and swords, but she couldn't defeat him, so he kidnapped her. And so this action-filled battle was over.

Dumbledore ran into the room, horrified. The Chosen One had lost the battle, and there was no hope left for the Wizarding World.

Yup, no hope left at all. Because it wasn't like there was an order created specifically for defeating Dark Lords.

* * *

 

Bob woke up in a prison cell. It was empty, except for a shovel in the corner. And a pickaxe by her feet. And a map of the cave she was in, with a note saying that there were no guards, and a bus ticket to Hogwarts.

She started crying beautifully, but soon understood that she had to use her brain to get out of there. Soon, a Death Eater came by to deliver her food. He left the door open. Bob decided that it was her only chance and ran out of the cell.

She didn't know where she was going, and luck wasn't on her side that day. She ran right into Voldemort's bedroom, where he was sleeping in the middle of the day. The Totally-Not-Mary-Sue accidentally punched him in the face, which woke him up.

The Dark Lord, who was sleeping in his full battle gear, laughed cruelly. He started casting spells at her, all of which missed. Bob didn't know what to do... Oh, who am I kidding, she always knew what to do. She took out a gun and shot the Dark Lord. Voldemort died anticlimactically, because all his Horcruxes vanished. They couldn't withstand Bob's beauty and kindness.

And so the reign of evil was over. Draco and Harry both married Bob, even though I'm pretty sure that's illegal, and lived happily ever after.

The End.


End file.
